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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Three Feasts

Thanksgiving was the usual eat-too-much, but oh-so-good, day.  Lots of family (16 of us) were around for over 7 hours (at least that is when I left), and good visits with everyone.  It was the first time that all three of Husker's wives were present under the same roof.  They are both such talented ladies!  During non-eating time, I worked on the Blue Yonder socks -- one down and one almost done.  (I have had hints from two people that they would like to have them.  In fact, one person reminded me that we wear the same shoe size.)

If Thanksgiving was not enough food, we followed up with more family (18), all down at Grace Friday night for another food extravaganza.  Grace overlooks the route for the Parade of Lights that occurs each year down Main Street, which meant that the valet parking was diverted to a another location a block or two away.  I dropped off my car and hoofed it to Main.
Life At Best, Eli Young Band
That was not the end of the evening, only the beginning.  We then carpooled to Billy Bob's Texas to see a concert by the Eli Young Band.  What a night! 

Did I tell you how fat I am getting?  Obviously, I was not starting a diet yet because there was one more feast Saturday night before out-of-towners head home that I must tell you about.  Maybe I should have prepped by going for a long walk -- like 5-6 miles.  This time, 20 of us were present for one final sit-down dinner of home style pasta, salad, garlic-cheese bread, gelato, and wine and wine and wine ... lots of laughter and memories were made.

By the way, the Little Husker sweater and cap are finished, but I have started the booties four times!  I am making the Lovebug Booties designed by Carrie Bostick Hoge, but seem to get my fingers in a knot or something.  I have done something stupid three times and have started over.  Can fourth time be charmed? 

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Gone for only two days

I worked for the last couple of days, and did not check the blog world, and so much has happened!  I saw so many new things -- patterns, yarns, books -- that were posted in that short time that it leaves me drooling.  It makes me want to order them all and spend all of my time just knitting.  Forget eating and sleeping. 

Unfortunately, I have a sort of bucket list for the day.  I am going to see Lincoln, get my lazy bod to the Y, and get a few things done around the house before I relax in my chair with a half-finished baby cap to go with the Little Husker pullover, followed by booties.  I want to be able to take these with me on Thanksgiving when I am at the Little Husker's parents' home.  Little Husker is due December 23rd - he needs something red -- and Papa and Grandpapa are Huskers -- again red.

It is now several hours later, and let me tell ya -- if you do nothing else -- go see Lincoln.  Spielberg has done it again, and maybe this is better than anything else he has directed.  Daniel Day-Lewis is incredible.  It is a very talky debate-driven story, but absolutely mesmerizing.  Sally Field is perfect, but does not have as much screen time, yet is super while she is there.   Just go. 

Still lazy.  Did not go to the Y. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Brrrr ....

Why is it that the first really cold morning always feels so much colder than it does later in the season?  This morning was in the mid-thirties, not quite freezing, but close enough to get your attention.  The wind blew in a definitely cold front last night.  It was preceded by a light shower and stirred up a lot of leafy activity, mostly in the front of my entry court gate where it likes to collect.  As I opened the gate, I saw that the Optimists' Club had set out the flag for Veterans Day.

Last night, as the cold moved in, I sat before the TV finishing the next Baby Boy sweater.  It is for Husker's first grandson whom he will never get to know.  So I made Baby Boy a sweater to make his Grandpapa happy.  Go Huskers!  Next up -- cap and booties to match.  It is made from Berroco Comfort DK in colorways True Red (2751), white (2700), and black (2734).  I trust you can see the Nebraska logo just fine!  Pattern?  Ask me.  It is free. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Group Grief Thingy

 Went to my first group grief thingy Tuesday.  Three social workers and three grievers.  Hmmm ...

At any rate ... The other lady had been married to her husband for 63 years.  He died last February, and she was just now getting to this group.  She has yet to part with anything that was his.  What is wrong with me?!  The Salvation Army is coming to take Allen's clothes and Airdyne away.  The man on the other side of me was married 40+ years and still finds himself talking to her. Yeah, I talk to Allen occasionally, and in fact, I start to say something, then catch myself.  I was wishing that I had brought my own box of tissues.  The hospice tissues were crappy quality.  Too rough.  My nose began to bleed.  Maybe I am not so good at this widow thing.  I should have taken my knitting with me. 

I have two things on the needles despite my promise to finish one item before beginning another one.  Okay -- I am knitting Husker's expected grandson a Husker sweater, but you still have to have socks to carry around with you.  I am knitting a pair of Honey Badger socks.  Incredibly easy pattern.  I can take them with me to group grieving next Tuesday.  My Husker would have loved the little red sweater that I designed for his grandson. 

Next week we will talk about the stages of grief.  I sure wish we had talked about it this time.  I want to know why I still break into tears and screaming after a month.  When does this stop.  I talked to Allen's Uncle Grant (a hotty at 90 years and has a girl friend), and he told me that he still thinks about his wife after all these years.  I do not want to feel this crappy forever.  Allen was a wonderful companion, but the pain is unbearable.  Why can't I get over this? 

Our group assignment for next week is to write down our feelings and anything we want to say about our grieving process.  Does this account on my blog count?  What do I say? Does anger management come into the therapy sessions?  Yes, anger. 

The other lady in the group actually lives in my neighborhood.  I thought about calling her up to see if she would like to go to a movie or something.  I got cold feet, but did mention it to a friend who encouraged me to proceed.  I did.  She is interested!  Maybe this will be good for both of us.  I also promised a review of the movie for a friend's community paper in California.  Good excuse to go.

I have looked at the Humane Society web site for our area.  Should I adopt?  I don't have a back yard.  I don't want to walk a dog several times a day.  Forget about it ...Should I start dating eventually?  No one would be as comfortable as Allen.  Forget that, too. 

Allen only had 3 problems:  He was a libertarian/republican, he smoked, he would not exercise, he was a packrat.  Okay, so he had 4 problems.  Otherwise, he was considerate, thoughtful, supportive, and always put me first.  He also did the cooking. 

I am drinking too much wine. 

Maybe I will use this in my report to the group next week.  

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Knitting as Therapy and Meditation

When my Allen was diagnosed and subsequently became sicker, knitting became my therapy -- my way to combat the stress.

When I told the ladies at my LYS about his illness, I discovered that the shop owner had lost her first husband to the Big C, too, when she was a young mother.  She also dealt with it through her knitting.

So I plunged into socks and attacked my skills to make them meet my standards and expectations.  Allen admired and encouraged me along the way.  The rhythm of the clicking needles meditated me into a calmer state.  The beauty of the outcome embraced my creativity.  The colors inspired me.

Family was attentive, but nothing will ever be the same again.  He left behind 5 wonderful children, show here with his daughters.  He was proud of all of them.  And he always let them know it. 

Now that he is gone, knitting is a fragile defense against loneliness and depression.  Life must be rebuilt.  So what should life be now?  How should I structure my days?  It cannot be only church, work, knitting, gym, and the TV.  Where will love and companionship be?

I have a couple more trips to make.  I will deliver his ashes to Monterrey Bay, and visit friends and family on the west coast (May 2013?), and maybe retrace part of our last trip (September 2011) to the west coast together.  Our bucket list also included a fall drive to Vermont.  It would not be fun to go alone.  Those things are to be enjoyed with someone.  But who?

Dear friends here and yon may become only memories.  

I must also find a grief group.  I will take my knitting.  Knitting will help heavy words flow lightly. 

I will love him forever. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

Little Husker

With a little Husker arriving in December, I decided to get my act in gear.  No little boy blue in sight!  We are making our baby boy a red pullover.  Can you see where this is going?  Grandpa Husker would have been proud.