At any rate ... The other lady had been married to her husband for 63 years. He died last February, and she was just now getting to this group. She has yet to part with anything that was his. What is wrong with me?! The Salvation Army is coming to take Allen's clothes and Airdyne away. The man on the other side of me was married 40+ years and still finds himself talking to her. Yeah, I talk to Allen occasionally, and in fact, I start to say something, then catch myself. I was wishing that I had brought my own box of tissues. The hospice tissues were crappy quality. Too rough. My nose began to bleed. Maybe I am not so good at this widow thing. I should have taken my knitting with me.
I have two things on the needles despite my promise to finish one item before beginning another one. Okay -- I am knitting Husker's expected grandson a Husker sweater, but you still have to have socks to carry around with you. I am knitting a pair of Honey Badger socks. Incredibly easy pattern. I can take them with me to group grieving next Tuesday. My Husker would have loved the little red sweater that I designed for his grandson.
Next week we will talk about the stages of grief. I sure wish we had talked about it this time. I want to know why I still break into tears and screaming after a month. When does this stop. I talked to Allen's Uncle Grant (a hotty at 90 years and has a girl friend), and he told me that he still thinks about his wife after all these years. I do not want to feel this crappy forever. Allen was a wonderful companion, but the pain is unbearable. Why can't I get over this?
Our group assignment for next week is to write down our feelings and anything we want to say about our grieving process. Does this account on my blog count? What do I say? Does anger management come into the therapy sessions? Yes, anger.
The other lady in the group actually lives in my neighborhood. I thought about calling her up to see if she would like to go to a movie or something. I got cold feet, but did mention it to a friend who encouraged me to proceed. I did. She is interested! Maybe this will be good for both of us. I also promised a review of the movie for a friend's community paper in California. Good excuse to go.
I have looked at the Humane Society web site for our area. Should I adopt? I don't have a back yard. I don't want to walk a dog several times a day. Forget about it ...Should I start dating eventually? No one would be as comfortable as Allen. Forget that, too.
Allen only had 3 problems: He was a libertarian/republican, he smoked, he would not exercise, he was a packrat. Okay, so he had 4 problems. Otherwise, he was considerate, thoughtful, supportive, and always put me first. He also did the cooking.
I am drinking too much wine.
Maybe I will use this in my report to the group next week.
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