Getting on with life

There have been a lot of changes in my life since I lost my beloved Allen.  Some of my fires went out, and new ones started up.  Allen loved my knitting and encouraged me a lot, but without him, I have not been doing much knitting.  Thus, no posts.

Instead, I became lonely -- then did something about it.  I met someone new, and we have embarked on a life together.  Then we combined our households in a new home.  Now we have adopted a small rescue dog.

I have not had a dog since my kids grew up.  I always said I was finished with babies and pets.  Well, Bob changed that!  He wanted a dog very badly, and I finally agreed on the stipulation that it would be a rescue dog.  (I have friends and family involved with rescue pets and rescue organizations.)   He agreed and I started to search.  We ended up with 2-3 year old Tiffany, a small terrier mix.  She is sweet, quiet, house broken, and affectionate.  However, she obviously has been abused.  She is trusting of us, but has some problems.  (Anxiety around strangers or leaving the house.)  As a result, I have been consulting with my rescue savvy friends and Tif's foster mom, as well as reading a lot of books on dog psychology and how to help her leave her abuse behind.  We have been a family for 7 weeks now.

We had a problem this morning when she had her first accident in the house.  She had a few accidents early on due to separation anxiety, but solved that by putting her in her crate when we leave.  This time, she could not wait for me to get my robe on before "going".  Took her outside anyhow, and did not scold her.  She seems to know that she did something bad, but I have not made an issue of it.  Aside from that, she is a great cuddler.  She gets assertive when we are on the sofa or bed by wriggling in between us.  She thinks her spot is always in the middle.  Her spot is definitely in our hearts.

Lots of Changes

Time has gone by, and my knitting has included socks for friends, but little else.  I have traveled a lot, and made a few new friends.  I have been to New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, Colorado, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, and Oklahoma.  Whew!  I have laid my beloved's ashes in Monterey Bay, and visited lots of family and friends.

I went to a wedding in Colorado, but our hotel was in Cheyenne.  The wedding was just over the border in Colorado.  It was a western ranch themed wedding, and guess where it was held?  On a ranch in northern Colorado, of course!


So what is new?  Bob is new.  Relationships are different at our age.  Less of the flirting and "weaving and dodging" that goes with feeling someone out.  More of the relaxed companionship and conversation.  No games.  We will see ...

Meanwhile, there have been socks and socks, and I am reading new patterns and going through my stash as I get ready to dig into something that is not socks. 

Home again

I was on the road for 18 days, getting home late on May 29th!  I drove 4,989 miles.  I was tired ... 

In May, I stopped in two places in New Mexico, plus Phoenix, San Diego, Arroyo Grande, Carlsbad, St. George, Grand Junction, Windsor, Fort Collins, Omaha, Kansas City, and Joplin.

As I came home from Kansas City/Joplin, I could see the storm to the west of me, and it finally caught me on the north edge of DFW Airport.  Talk about a deluge and slow traffic -- rush hour, too, and a construction zone.  All we needed was a pileup, but fortunately, everyone was driving very slowly and carefully.  It took me an hour and a half to get from DFW Airport to my place, a drive that normally would have been about 30 minutes. 

Good news is that my order of Grenadine sock yarn from MadTosh had arrived, so I picked it up.  A good friend will get the benefit of these socks.  Pattern:  Catherine.  It was hard to let these go!  But friends be friends . . .

Where am I?

It is very wet.

Rolling west

Continuation of broken seed stitch socks . . .

Where am I?

What drives your knitting?

I think it is color and pattern that drives my knitting.  I love color, and that makes me buy more yarn than I can possibly knit up (anything familiar there?).  But texture and pattern follow closely.  I find plain vanilla knitting a little hard to bear.  Bo-oring!

On the needles right now are socks that take care of both of those motivators.  I am using a soft baby boy blue yarn, Knit Picks Stroll in Wonderland Heather, and a lime green remainder from another project.  The blend is luscious.  What do you think?  The pattern is Broken Seed Stitch by handepande.   

By the way, Granddaughter #1 is having two boys in October, and Granddaughter #2 is having a boy and a girl in October.  Two sets of twins in the same month! 

Meme's Bragging Rights

Hudson ... yes, the hair has reddish highlights, and his eyes are blue.  Three months and about three weeks.  He was the recipient of the Nebraska sweater that I knit last fall, which is now outgrown by a long shot.  He is such a big boy!

AND, I have one more baby boy from last winter, but unfortunately I have not gotten to meet Jack yet.  Sigh ...

Arts Festival!

Yesterday was a fun day spent at the Main Street Arts Festival in downtown Fort Worth. Because of parking concerns, my guest, Marian, and I went there on the Trinity Railway Express. We landed just east of Main Street, and took off to lunch at Grace, owned /operated by family. And had wine, assorted hor d'oerves, and bumped up against other family that turned up for the same thing. We then walked the mile or so up then down Main Street looking at the beautiful art of all types. My house has 6 pieces that I have purchased in previous years. Fun fun event.

Jack

At last, I have a photo of Jack in his first few days.  He is a dandy!  He is Boy #2 in this time of many babies coming into our lives.  Four more to come in the fall.  Isn't he a sweetheart?

He is so fresh in this photo that his eyes are barely open .  .  . and no, I did not make the sweater. 

Two down, four to go. 

Great-grandmother!

My eldest granddaughter has had two miscarriages, and wants a baby very much.  Her doctor found a problem that he has been treating, and she is pregnant again -- with twins!  The sonogram shows two placentas, so they are not identical.

Her younger sister is also preggers, both sisters due in early October.  Younger sister is also expecting maternal twins!  What are the statistical odds of that? 

I will need to do a lot of knitting!  I am still awaiting pix of another January great-grandchild.  So we are really busy with babies.  That is six babies in ten months (counting the December grandson). 

My son is in a state of shock - he will have two sets of twin grandchildren at almost the same time.  

Meantime, I am finishing up my zebra socks.  The needles are size 0, which is a challenge to my eyes whenever I am on a black stripe!  But I love the black/white.

I am also about to put the Husker's beloved Mustang on the market.  He was very good about taking care of his favorite car ever, so it is in very good condition.  Someone will buy a jewel of a GTO convertible.  I hate to part with it, but I don't need two cars in the garage for just me. 

Grammies and Birthdays

The Boys were nominated for Grammies in TWO categories (Best Country Duo/Group and Best Country Song).  They did not win, but we were all very excited.  You can bet we all  watched on February 10th!  Meanwhile, Wife #2 (and lead grandma) hosted a Grammies and Birthdays after-party yesterday, the 17th.  There are birthdays among us in February for the two brothers as well as granddog, Sydney.  Any excuse for a party!

The real star was Hudson, of course.  As #2 put it, he demonstrated his 7-week-old tricks.  He also warmed a lot of laps.   This is his very cute birth announcement (photo at about 2 weeks).  Here's looking at ya!  MY photo taken right off the refrigerator door.  Yes, it is b-and-w.








Meanwhile, I am getting my knitting mojo back and have completed the first of my watermelon socks, courtesy of Abi Grasso's skilled hand painted yarn. 

Changes

I have spent the  month of January not knitting.  Such an amazing change.  It is sorta a reflection of how my life is changing without Husker beside me.  Since his passing in October, Husker's grandson was born, the TV does not run from mid-afternoon until midnight, I am reading more, and my workouts have picked up steam.

The biggest change is that one evening last week I called the cable company and did away with the landline, and cut back on the cable channels.  I had wanted to do away with the landline for years, but Husker resisted.  He was also the one who watched all the sports channels.  The next morning, as I was digging into my granola, I heard a foreign beep.  Just as a mother recognizes her own child's cry, and you instantly know that a text message has arrived, I realized that the deed had really been done.  I checked the landline, and sure enough -- it was dead.  There was a knock at the door, and there stood the technician to change out the cable box.   So now I am not paying for channels that no one watches, and I have become cell-phone-only.  I feel like I lost weight. 

The other big change is that I have become more regular with my workouts, and  I really  have lost weight -- 12 pounds since Thanksgiving.   I am back in yoga and back in the swimming pool.  While Husker was ill, I cut back on my exercise routine except for taking short neighborhood walks. 

However, the knitting is beckoning.  I got out the swift and yarn winder a few days ago and wound 10 hanks of sock yarn.  I have started another pair in a dark brown, but ran into a problem.  I struggle with dark yarn because I cannot see it well enough, and the yarn that I purchased via the internet is just too dark.  I pulled it out because I could not see the pattern well enough to stay on pattern.  I re-started and will make a plain stockinette pair.  It feels refreshing to have something on the needles again. 

Things to do when you finally get an unscheduled day

While I rarely seem to have a day without something that must be done right then or which has an appointment to be there or there, today is different.  My only definitive plan for today was canceled due to illness -- not me, her.

So ... I have time to update my blog, drool over new patterns, etc.  I looked through my stash of patterns and saw something that I have wanted to make for a very long time, but kept getting sidetracked.  So today, I am going to go to MadTosh retail and get some Earl Grey bulky to make the Bandana Cowl to go with my Earl Grey socks.  I have been so busy with work, etc., since Christmas that I have finished my last FO and have not started another.  Gotta fix that shortcoming! 

I shall also go to the gym - yes I will - no skipping out!

Having trouble with that New Year's resolution?  Who isn't!  I did find a dandy little app to help me, and since Thanksgiving, I have lost 8 pounds.  It is a very motivating little tool that tracks calories in and calories out (aka exercise).  It is called My Fitness Pal.

I have also noticed (Yeah!!!) that it is time to pull out the smaller swimsuit to do my laps.  Ten more pounds to go. 

Technology is the pits when it doesn't work . . .

While Husker was ill, my PC quit on me one day.  It had all my pix, patterns, etc. stored there, and it crashed (?) or something.  I switched to Husker's PC because it was not a good time to worry over my PC.  Now I am trying to get things back to normal as far as technology is concerned, and wouldn't you know ...

Last Friday, Husker's PC began to misbehave, so I switched to the MacPro.  It froze up!  Nothing I did would make it respond.  It only stared back with the screen where it had stopped.  I opened the iPad, and it would not work.  I pulled out the Nook and the same thing.  Hmmm ...

Called the cable guys.  Internet service/wifi was out in our neighborhood.  They later responded with a robo-call to say that the internet was back up.  Husker's PC was working again, but no MacPro, iPad, or Nook.  Called the cable guys.  They walked me through how to re-boot the wifi.  iPad and Nook now working.  Still no MacPro response.  I think I blew a brain fuse and it was nobody's fault but my own. 

MacPros do not operate like an iPad.  You cannot swipe or press the screen to operate!  My brain had frozen into the iPad mode and it took me two days -- yes, two days -- to get me to realize what a stupid thing I was doing.  MacPro is now operating from the keyboard like it was supposed to do all along. 

And some good news:  my old PC is now up and running because it really did have a fuse thingy that needed to be replaced.

Now about my knitting ... somewhere around here is a pair of socks waiting to be finished. 

Three Feasts

Thanksgiving was the usual eat-too-much, but oh-so-good, day.  Lots of family (16 of us) were around for over 7 hours (at least that is when I left), and good visits with everyone.  It was the first time that all three of Husker's wives were present under the same roof.  They are both such talented ladies!  During non-eating time, I worked on the Blue Yonder socks -- one down and one almost done.  (I have had hints from two people that they would like to have them.  In fact, one person reminded me that we wear the same shoe size.)

If Thanksgiving was not enough food, we followed up with more family (18), all down at Grace Friday night for another food extravaganza.  Grace overlooks the route for the Parade of Lights that occurs each year down Main Street, which meant that the valet parking was diverted to a another location a block or two away.  I dropped off my car and hoofed it to Main.

That was not the end of the evening, only the beginning.  We then carpooled to Billy Bob's Texas to see a concert by the Eli Young Band.  What a night! 

Did I tell you how fat I am getting?  Obviously, I was not starting a diet yet because there was one more feast Saturday night before out-of-towners head home that I must tell you about.  Maybe I should have prepped by going for a long walk -- like 5-6 miles.  This time, 20 of us were present for one final sit-down dinner of home style pasta, salad, garlic-cheese bread, gelato, and wine and wine and wine ... lots of laughter and memories were made.

By the way, the Little Husker sweater and cap are finished, but I have started the booties four times!  I am making the Lovebug Booties designed by Carrie Bostick Hoge, but seem to get my fingers in a knot or something.  I have done something stupid three times and have started over.  Can fourth time be charmed? 

Gone for only two days

I worked for the last couple of days, and did not check the blog world, and so much has happened!  I saw so many new things -- patterns, yarns, books -- that were posted in that short time that it leaves me drooling.  It makes me want to order them all and spend all of my time just knitting.  Forget eating and sleeping. 

Unfortunately, I have a sort of bucket list for the day.  I am going to see Lincoln, get my lazy bod to the Y, and get a few things done around the house before I relax in my chair with a half-finished baby cap to go with the Little Husker pullover, followed by booties.  I want to be able to take these with me on Thanksgiving when I am at the Little Husker's parents' home.  Little Husker is due December 23rd - he needs something red -- and Papa and Grandpapa are Huskers -- again red.

It is now several hours later, and let me tell ya -- if you do nothing else -- go see Lincoln.  Spielberg has done it again, and maybe this is better than anything else he has directed.  Daniel Day-Lewis is incredible.  It is a very talky debate-driven story, but absolutely mesmerizing.  Sally Field is perfect, but does not have as much screen time, yet is super while she is there.   Just go. 

Still lazy.  Did not go to the Y. 

Brrrr ....

Why is it that the first really cold morning always feels so much colder than it does later in the season?  This morning was in the mid-thirties, not quite freezing, but close enough to get your attention.  The wind blew in a definitely cold front last night.  It was preceded by a light shower and stirred up a lot of leafy activity, mostly in the front of my entry court gate where it likes to collect.  As I opened the gate, I saw that the Optimists' Club had set out the flag for Veterans Day.

Last night, as the cold moved in, I sat before the TV finishing the next Baby Boy sweater.  It is for Husker's first grandson whom he will never get to know.  So I made Baby Boy a sweater to make his Grandpapa happy.  Go Huskers!  Next up -- cap and booties to match.  It is made from Berroco Comfort DK in colorways True Red (2751), white (2700), and black (2734).  I trust you can see the Nebraska logo just fine!  Pattern?  Ask me.  It is free. 

Group Grief Thingy

 

 Went to my first group grief thingy Tuesday.  Three social workers and three grievers.  Hmmm ...

At any rate ... The other lady had been married to her husband for 63 years.  He died last February, and she was just now getting to this group.  She has yet to part with anything that was his.  What is wrong with me?!  The Salvation Army is coming to take Allen's clothes and Airdyne away.  The man on the other side of me was married 40+ years and still finds himself talking to her. Yeah, I talk to Allen occasionally, and in fact, I start to say something, then catch myself.  I was wishing that I had brought my own box of tissues.  The hospice tissues were crappy quality.  Too rough.  My nose began to bleed.  Maybe I am not so good at this widow thing.  I should have taken my knitting with me. 

I have two things on the needles despite my promise to finish one item before beginning another one.  Okay -- I am knitting Husker's expected grandson a Husker sweater, but you still have to have socks to carry around with you.  I am knitting a pair of Honey Badger socks.  Incredibly easy pattern.  I can take them with me to group grieving next Tuesday.  My Husker would have loved the little red sweater that I designed for his grandson. 

Next week we will talk about the stages of grief.  I sure wish we had talked about it this time.  I want to know why I still break into tears and screaming after a month.  When does this stop.  I talked to Allen's Uncle Grant (a hotty at 90 years and has a girl friend), and he told me that he still thinks about his wife after all these years.  I do not want to feel this crappy forever.  Allen was a wonderful companion, but the pain is unbearable.  Why can't I get over this? 

Our group assignment for next week is to write down our feelings and anything we want to say about our grieving process.  Does this account on my blog count?  What do I say? Does anger management come into the therapy sessions?  Yes, anger. 

The other lady in the group actually lives in my neighborhood.  I thought about calling her up to see if she would like to go to a movie or something.  I got cold feet, but did mention it to a friend who encouraged me to proceed.  I did.  She is interested!  Maybe this will be good for both of us.  I also promised a review of the movie for a friend's community paper in California.  Good excuse to go.

I have looked at the Humane Society web site for our area.  Should I adopt?  I don't have a back yard.  I don't want to walk a dog several times a day.  Forget about it ...Should I start dating eventually?  No one would be as comfortable as Allen.  Forget that, too. 

Allen only had 3 problems:  He was a libertarian/republican, he smoked, he would not exercise, he was a packrat.  Okay, so he had 4 problems.  Otherwise, he was considerate, thoughtful, supportive, and always put me first.  He also did the cooking. 

I am drinking too much wine. 

Maybe I will use this in my report to the group next week.  

Knitting as Therapy and Meditation

When my Allen was diagnosed and subsequently became sicker, knitting became my therapy -- my way to combat the stress.

When I told the ladies at my LYS about his illness, I discovered that the shop owner had lost her first husband to the Big C, too, when she was a young mother.  She also dealt with it through her knitting.

So I plunged into socks and attacked my skills to make them meet my standards and expectations.  Allen admired and encouraged me along the way.  The rhythm of the clicking needles meditated me into a calmer state.  The beauty of the outcome embraced my creativity.  The colors inspired me.

Family was attentive, but nothing will ever be the same again.  He left behind 5 wonderful children, show here with his daughters.  He was proud of all of them.  And he always let them know it. 

Now that he is gone, knitting is a fragile defense against loneliness and depression.  Life must be rebuilt.  So what should life be now?  How should I structure my days?  It cannot be only church, work, knitting, gym, and the TV.  Where will love and companionship be?


I have a couple more trips to make.  I will deliver his ashes to Monterrey Bay, and visit friends and family on the west coast (May 2013?), and maybe retrace part of our last trip (September 2011) to the west coast together.  Our bucket list also included a fall drive to Vermont.  It would not be fun to go alone.  Those things are to be enjoyed with someone.  But who?

Dear friends here and yon may become only memories.  

I must also find a grief group.  I will take my knitting.  Knitting will help heavy words flow lightly. 

I will love him forever. 

Little Husker

With a little Husker arriving in December, I decided to get my act in gear.  No little boy blue in sight!  We are making our baby boy a red pullover.  Can you see where this is going?  Grandpa Husker would have been proud.